Metamorphosis

for the Nadine that was my friend

I love you, I hate you —
A million thoughts in furious fight.
I love you, I hate you —
Your smile, cold like a curse.

I suffered for years to build you a world
Which roaming you would, free spirit that you are
But when I failed, so close to my goal,
All the suffering I bore, did not matter.
Invisible to you, I died in silence.

I dream of stars and nightly kisses,
Though none of which you wanted to bestow.
I starved in loneliness and ice but that you knew,
Confused was only I, you watched already gone.

I cannot see you lest I fall again,
For your fair eyes and lovely smile are daggers,
That I rush to mindlessly embrace.
Your hips, that many a day my gentle hands held tight
When in a heavy day I had to leave and kissed your chin goodbye
Impatient to return, they too.

You stabbed the knife right through my being
First slowly, hidden, now with open fervor.
So quietly at first, in silence, innocently ruthless.
And all I ever wanted was to lay the whole wide world
Just to your feet, alas, too slow was I.
Although the war was won, I lost you in the final battle.

And thus it hurts when you moved on so easily,
Like petal of a rose caught in late summer breeze.
While I was searching restlessly to drown you out,
To find some way to kill myself with speed.
But where I live and dwell, you long ago have left.

I cannot fathom life without you —
Half of it spent a dew drop on your teen-age smile.
The only way is to forget or to replace
The memory of you that's burnt into my soul.
But just the thought of you being happy elsewhere,
Makes me die.

A million times I tried to sign those letters
But never brought the strength to lift the pen.
A million times I reached and tried to touch your soul,
But long ago you killed my memory with ease and left.
And now might shudder at my weakness, perhaps in joy.
You always had that last word over me
Oblivious to how much I was yours.

I love you, I hate you.
I need to forget you.
I cannot forget you.
I cannot see you again.
Your memories will kill me.
I know you love me gone.
Like a bad dream.
I wish I'd never met you.
I wish I'd never loose you.
I love you.